Helen Long

Tempestuous Surrealist Artist




God knows why she agreed to come but Helen is here, in the Lake District, otherwise known as the middle of bloody nowhere. A client and admirer of her work sent her to Keswick, to paint the Lake District. He is paying for the hotel, so she can hardly complain. Wait. Actually, no, she can complain.

She is a bloody artist, after all. What is there here to inspire her? Bluebells? Meadows? What is she meant to do, paint watercolours? She’s a surreal artist. She paints nightmarish landscapes.

There’s nothing nightmarish here, other than the excruciating boredom, and she can’t paint that. She needs something to inspire her. Something dark, something twisted. And what does she get in Keswick? A bloody pencil factory.

She wishes you were back in London. She should visit her mother, who is getting on a bit. Also, she feels an urgent need to get drunk with Julie, another artist, who is still trying to make Cubism work. Unless something interesting happens in the next few days, she’s going to get the train straight back.

Helen Long

The Final Revelation Dreadnought